Dearest Best Friend~

hey Best Friend, You know evt's that's happening to me. inside me outside me...and oh wadever.. sometimes i feel so sad... so hurt.. so irritated... you know it all... budden.. you oso know i hate myself sometimes.. and i just cant find my identity... but can i hate the highest creation of yours? i'm just one small small bit of your magnificent works...
alot of times i feel like a hypocrite. i know you know that... but i wanna say it anyway. i haf a wandering mind, with i dun like. when my mind wanders... the bad thots start coming in... blah. and so that's why i cant really differentiate if you're talking to me or it's my imagination. it's really tough... and i need you to help me. help me please?
i really hope you'll work in me during the retreat. i know it's going to be a blast. i'm willing and i'm waiting... mould me to become like you.. how can i ever thank you enough?

Dear Diary~

today is the day of the Ushering Retreat. this is my 1st retreat (yay) and seriously i kinda expect something from myself after it. so here goes.

~* Obviously, after retreating, you'll wanna be refreshed...
~* Learn more about Him
~* is ushering really only shaking hands, welcoming and directing ppl, giving out tracts at the door and smiling?
~* hmm.... get closer to my dear frens... esp the Nanny and Gang. LOL...

thats all i can think of now. i hope God will work thru me... i am willing.. =))

Dear Diary,

lq pointed out sth impt to me. can i hate God's highest creation? cuz He made evt beautiful... humans are his highest creation. but it just cant be controlled. i'm like so irritated with myself. grr.
i got my own fair share of probs when i changed cg. everyone is so gelled already. it's so difficult for me to fit in. anyway i dun fit anywhere sehx! WTH...
i cried alot yest. i cry partly cuz i'm SO SO fed up with myself. partly cuz i'm heartbroken about my sis. but anyway i'm satisfied... at least it's like... crying makes me feel better.

dear diary,

worrying. why, it seems that all my worries are like crap. i worry for nth. like, my results... i worried so much, but it came out fine. i worried about changing cg, but it turned out pretty fine too. i cant just shake this feeling of worry off.
today is a happy day. budden in this blog, i dun think there'll be anythng happy. it's really my real true inner self.
sometimes i really hate myself. there're alot of things i duno about myself. and i also duno why i hate myself. confusing? go figure.
and ha, i din know i had SO MUCH in common with lq. really.

happy birthday to me.

Dear Diary,

sometimes i just cant help but feel self-concious and small. it seems that 12, is an in between age and i want it to blow over fast. 12 is never a wonderful age. but, nevertheless, i found much of my joy this year. joining the ushering ministry has never been a regret for me. knowing more frens has never been a regret. serving God has never never never been a regret.
but the bad thing about 12 is that ppl duno how to treat you. duno if they sould see you as a grown person or as an immature, young kid who cant do anything. i remember, last year i was a faithful attender of MS. i wanted to serve as a gospelighter. thinking back now, i feel so uneasy. LOL, i tried heels. but as time passed by, the passion wore off. perhaps last year marks the end of my primary school immaturity.
self-concious. i wonder why, but ppl like alvin tay makes me so kang kor. (uneasy, in a sense) i feel so small. i cant find my identity in this world anymore sehx. i lost it, and i duno where or when i can find it. whenever i do sth, i will like, think of how others will feel. for example, making pressies. i'll think HARD whether the person will find it this and that. tho at times i duno why i lost my mind and go really impulsive; not thinking b4 i say or do sth. i hate those times. when i reflect later, i cringe. i dun wanna do/say those things; i cant help it! i feel so lost. i duno what to do. what is happening to me?!
ushering at such a young age sometimes make me feel abit uneasy. ppl start saying to me "oh, you so young ushering le ar?" ushering clothes make me look older. ya i know that. lijia tot i was sec2. haha..
thinking of last year, i rmb once there was a misunderstanding between me and my parents. becuase of it, my dad din allow me to go MS that saturday. and i rmb my mom's words ever so clearly. "ni bu yao yong church de events lai ya wo hor!" (you dun use church events to pressure me) i was heartbroken. i dun exactly call this persecution, but as a christian. how can my mom say such words like that? i din do it either. when did i pressure her with church events? and it was really sad that my dad actually dont allow me to go MS cuz of that little matter. cuz of a communication breakdown. he's a believer for goodness sake.
i had my struggles in this ministry. i did my SA1 exam quite badly this year and i almost had to drop out of ushering. thank God i did well in my prelims or the fear will turn to reality. my dad and mom actually had the 'courage' to tell me not to go for sunday service and cg unless i was ushering. what crap is that. they know the importance of sunday! they know we shud go to church on sunday. at least to cg. but how can they ever ever suggest and think of this?!
okay. it's quite a long entry. i think i sign off now.

ending with a heavy heart,
-sheryl-

Dear Diary,

i think louisa dun like me. shez in my cg. but it's like. why it's always lidat?! sometimes i see ppl... like.. so happy with each other... whole cgs bind tog... like so...CLICK lidat. for example a puzzle... all fit tog right? then got one extra piece, from another puzzle. so that one definetly cant fit right. i feel like i'm that extra piece. everywhere! cg. school. class. 'cept for ushering lah. i fit super perfect there. HA.

then vivien. AIYOO. she said i turned for the negative when i converted to christian. she ask me why i became a christian. she totally cant stand christian music [[not that i expect her to stand it, she say things like.. "avalon is so boring!"]] she totally cant stand anything to do with christianity. my mom doesnt like her, saying shez materialistic. vivien cant stand me, cuz i'm not really into famous singers...pop/rock stars etc. like.. if she ask me "you know who's princess diana?" and i reply duno, she'll "aiyoo! i cant stand you! she's SO FAMOUS!" aiyah. like who cares whether diana is famous. idc. in real fact i'm really not star crazed, and she cant stand it. sigh. she can only go to church when she's 21. her father is a totally staunch buddist, and a very strict person. even so, when she's 21, she's not going to church. i hope she's going to chg her mindset.

i got another avril to tend to. free thinker, she's a person who looks at black sheep. if she goes to a cg, for example, and find that cg horrible, she'll think all cgs are horrible. she claims she's an extrovert, and hates being ard 'kids'. how to bring her to church lidat?!

am i going to win them to christ, or am i going to lose them to satan? no, christ is the answer to all. he's going to have the victory. gone with satan! amen! =)

today marks the end of the primary school chapter of my life.
finally my pri sch life ends. 6 years. time flies. for all i know.. the next time i blink my eyes. i'm taking my Os. woah. i dun wanna think THAT ahead. heh.
i wanna start afresh. i dun wanna go any of the schools that my schoolmates (or EX school mates) are going to. it just seem that i cant fit into SKPS, no matter how desperately i try. why?! i've been searching for that identity in school for 6 years. i still cant find it, but oh well. i'm going to throw my past away. just rmb the good memories. and trash the rest. why rmb them anyway. ha.
thank God primary school last not longer than 6years. or i'll TRANSFER! heehee...
next year is a new milestone. a new chapter. a new beginning. i'm looking forward to that. =)

hello. welcome to this new blog. it's a private one, only for the eyes of YOU, the trusted fren! how does that sound. heh.
no linking tho. it's a private one. ahha... but still feel free to link the other one.
hopefully i dunnit to pw protect this. haha.
at 1st, i tot of pw protecting my other blog. but.."ehh.. maybe.. you just create a new blog lorrr... haha." so *poof!* came this blog.
i'm counting on you, guys. (gals!)
thats all for now. =)

me?
im just another incohorent girl on the face on the earth. singing's my passion, but i do badly at it.
and it doesnt help that some people stress that point to me too. it redundant, cos i already know it.
trying to live for God alone. still trying.

you'll find out who sheryl really is here.

wait a minute.
you dont even need to know me.

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